Friday, September 25, 2009

Top Ten Edition 1: Favorite "Family Guy" Characters

Welcome to the first edition of the top ten list. This week, since "Family Guy" premiers this Sunday, this week is my top ten favorite "Family Guy" characters. Let's start at number ten.

10. Seamus

Why He's Funny: For starters, his limbs are wood. The scene where he played to piano was interesting to say the least. He tries to be a comedian, which isn't going so well, since all his jokes are from a different time period.

Best Moment: Seamus is in a talent show as a comedian. He starts with a joke about how he had two Portugese helpers, which just turned him talking about how certain ethnic groups are bad at sailing.

9. Chris Griffin

Why He's Funny: Chris is an idiot. He's so stupid that he was expelled for being stupid. he says things like "I don't have any money so I'm going to have to pay for these magazines with my pooh." Plus, he has an evil monkey in his closet. How do you come up with these things? (Answer: weed)

Best Moment: Chris has a new "well-equipped" teacher and he can't pay attention. When he fails a test and the teacher asks him what he sees, he replies "Two Ds and an F."

8. Asian Reporter: Trisha Takanawa

Why She's Funny: It's never "We now go to Trisha Takanawa", it's always "We now go to Asian Reporter: Trisha Takanawa." But it's not just her race, it's the stories she covers. For example, on a story about flu season, she vomited into a toilet. On a story about a hurricane, she was hit by a flying car. On a story about flooding, she interviewed "Rides-A-Ten-Speed-Everywhere-Guy."

Best Moment: She did a segment about sex, so she decided to actually have sex in her segment.
7. Mayor Adam West
Why He's Funny: Mayor Adam West, played by Adam West, is probably the least competent (and stable) person I'd vote for. He's constantly enacting wierd ordinances, erecting statues (giggity) for the strangest people, and all around a total nutcase puts mayor Adam West at number 7.
Best Moment: When Mayor West looks tries to distract his protestors by jingling his keys, someone throws a brick at his face and his nose starts bleeding. Adan looks at the blook and says "Oh my god! I'm a tomato!"

6. Mort Goldman
Why He's Funny: Mort is the stereotypical Jewish pharmacist who is allergic to just about anything. Anytime somebody asks for something he doesn't like, he tells this really awkward story that makes you feel uncomfortable. Hilarious.
Best Moment: On career day, Mort is talking about being a pharmacist. He starts talking about how a lot of the student's parents visit there, like this one girl's dad came in for hemorrhoid cream because he had terrible, awful hemorrhoids. He said they were so bad he had to apply the cream with a sock in his car. The girl just stares in shock.

5. Captain Glenn Quagmire
Why He's Funny: C'mon! His character started the whole "Giggity" after anybody said anything that had unintentional sexual undertones! How is that not funny?!?
Best Moment: Glenn is about to depart from an airport via plane, since he's a pilot. As he's speaking to the passengers, he constantly says uhhhhhhhhhhhhh between phrases. But the best part was: "Flight will be a little delayed; we've got some rough head winds, giggity." Best. Giggity. Ever.
4. Lois Griffin
Why She's Funny: Lois seems like your stereotypical housewife. But underneath this seemily normal shell is, well, a skank. She has been known to party and get drunk, sell herself on the streeet, and smoke pot.
Best Moment: She gets stoned and thinks Chris is a hot fudge sundae. She licks him repeatedly, while Chris is crying.

3. Mr. Herbert
Why He's Funny: In reality pedophilles are never funny. In fact, they're ofter scary and creepy and haunt your dreams for years on end, like clowns. However, animated geriatric pedophilles are not real pedophilles, so it's not scary and creepy.
Best Moment: "Yes, I'd like to buy this teddy bear, this piece of string, this ruler, and this cardboard box (reveals trap to catch a child) Mmmmmmmmmmmm."

2. Peter Griffin
Why He's Funny: Leagally mentally handicapped, Peter participates in a wide range of activities, be it working in a brewery, becoming a pirate (yes, a pirate), or creating thousands of cut-away jokes.
Best Moment: The entire episode of "Petarded"

1. Stewie Griffin
Why He's Funny: Stewie is probably my favorite cartoon character of all time. Whether it's reference jokes, jokes about his hidden sexuality, or just being a douche, Stewie delivers, period. That's why he's number one.
Best Moment: He talks about how a deer bit his ear off and he's pissed. And snarky. "Oh don't worry about going to the hospital, I'll just wear this Mr. Potato Head ear piece."
Cleveland Brown - Because Seth MacFarlane said that Cleveland would no longer be on Family Guy for the eighth season (because of "The Cleveland Show"), he was not included. Had he been, he would have been number nine.
Fat Librarian - Because she only appeared twice, she was not included.
Meg Griffin - Maybe if the creators developed her character a little more, but until then, no.
Joe Swanson - He was a close call. It was hard to pick, but he does deserve to be an honorable mention.
Ollie Williams - He is an honorable mention because his only jokes are him saying things and yelling really fast.

Well, that's it for this edition. Next week: My Top Ten Favorite Films

Sunday, September 13, 2009

Hey KISS FM, There's more Music out There than "I Gotta Feeling" and "Evacuate the Dancefloor"!!!

Last weekend I was cleaning my room so I decided to turn on my radio. I set it to KISS FM, since I can't think of any other station that, on a regular basis, plays music made after 2000.
So I'm cleaning, and after a few rap songs they play "I Gotta Feeling", by the Black Eyed Peas. It's a great song, in my opinion, but the lyrics are probably the stupidest lyrics I've ever heard.
"Fill up my cup (drank!). Mazeltov (l'heim). Look ar her dancin' (move it, move it), just take! Let's paint the town (paint the town!)! We'll shut it down (shut it down)! Let's burn the roof (WOOOOOOO!)! And then we'll do it again!"
Seriously? That was number 1 for weeks and weeks and weeks?!? The rythym of the song is the only thing that's keeping it popular. You have to have one damn good beat to make a song like that!
Anyway, after that, I hear Taylor Swift's "Crappy Love Song that's Desperately Trying to be Country". This is why I wish that Tivo could be used on the radio. After the song was over, I hear some more rap, some more pop, then, once again, "I Gotta Feeling". Twice in half-an-hour. Wow.
After hearing "I Gotta Feeling", I hear Lady Gaga. She's awesome. But my dad is very correct when he says that her songs are like those that you on "Deep House Dish," a popular skit on "Saturday Night Live". Here's an excerpt from her popular song "Poker Face."
"I wanna hold em like they do in Texas plays. Fold em let em hit me raise a baby stay with me, I love it. Luck and intuition play the cards with spades to start. And after he's been hooked I'll play the one that's on his heart."
Wow. Just. Wow.
Boy KISS is delivering today. What do they have next? Why, Club Kiss, of course!
Club Kiss is basically pop songs remixed together to sound like nightclubs. The music generally contains at least 2-5 songs at a time. Sometimes they play one song with the bass and rythym of another. It's really hit or miss and more often than not it's miss. Other times they play two songs at a time in alternating patterns, or interspersed in another song with the the background noise of another song and the beat of yet another song. Again, hit or miss.
And guess what! "I Gotta Feeling" is being played again! Only this time it has the background to Mary J. Blige's new song, or whoever performs that song on that AT&T commercial, the one with the woman who changes outfits about 10 times. This background music would appear many more times througout the night.
Next, Lady Gaga music with the background of some rap song. Then, and I'm not kidding, they played "I Gotta Feeling" again.
That's when I realized something; KISS FM always does this. Everytime there's a song that is SUPER popular, they play it again and again and again and again and-well you get the idea. When Rihanna's "Disturbia" was insanely popular, they played it twice in one half-an-hour. When Katy Perry's "Hot N' Cold" or "I Kissed a Girl" was insanely popular, they played that a lot too. Ne-Yo's "Closer" was popular, it seemed like it was played every other song. They do this again and again until you're practically sick of it! Well, actually, you are sick of it. And now they are doing the same thing with "I Gotta Feeling". And no doubt, they're going to do it again with another song.
However, I was glad that they failed to play a single Miley Cyrus song. Thank god.