Friday, November 27, 2009

Anecdotes and Other Crap Presents: How NOT to Market Ideas to Teenagers

Recently, a Washington City Paper article wrote about an Encounter Generation Conference. The article in question was about how the group was trying to market to the teen audience that "front-hugging" was sinful, and that "Christian Side-Hugging" was the way to go with the lord. Of course, what Christian message to teens wouldn't be complete without an offensive rap?

"But the Side-Hug itself is slightly less offensive than the medium being used to promote it: An appropriated version of 'rap music' performed by a bunch of white youth pastors who think that by mixing in some gang-ish hand signals, tying on a bandana, and securing some fake bling with bring the youth to God."

Here's the link to the video:

Don't they understand they're doing it all wrong? If they really want to market the Side-Hug, they first have to find out how not things to teenagers. So, without further ado, I present:

How Not to Market Ideas to Teenagers

Step 1: If Trying to Market to the Entire Teen Community, Use Terms like "Christian" or "Jesus"

When marketing an idea to the teen audience, it's a good idea to include phrases like "It's what Jesus wants you to do." or "Christian values." or "God." Because as we all know, every single teenager in America is Christian. There are no Jewish teens, or Muslim teens, or atheist or agnostic teens. Everyone knows that teens are the most religious age group there is! And teenagers don't try to find loopholes when told certain rules because they're all perfect little Christian angels.

Step 2: If the Idea in Question is Religious, Market it with an Offensive Rap Song

Every teen loves rap! Especially rap songs from pasty white-dudes who think wearing bandanas makes them "gangster." And teens especially love rap songs about hugging! That's all we can handle when it comes to music; happy lyrics with no suggestive dialogue. In fact, we flip-out if we hear just one swear-word in a song. That's why you never hear teens swearing.

Step 3: Call Something "Sinful"

Teens absolutely love rules. We always follow them at all costs and shun people who break them. We never question rules; it's against our beliefs to question anything. Trying to get us to follow a rule won't cause rebellion at all, as if we teens would ever rebel against anything...

Step 4: Promote a Stupid Idea

Teens blindly follow whatever idea they're told to follow, no questions asked. We especially love following stupid ideas. Teens don't make fun of stupid rules, or anything stupid for that matter. There's no chance that teens will ever make fun of something stupid in, say, a blog post. Or put something stupid on YouTube (as if we could handle either of those things in the first place).

And that's how you NOT market an idea to teenagers.