Anecdotes and Other Crap Presents: How NOT to Market Ideas to Teenagers

Recently, a Washington City Paper article wrote about an Encounter Generation Conference. The article in question was about how the group was trying to market to the teen audience that "front-hugging" was sinful, and that "Christian Side-Hugging" was the way to go with the lord. Of course, what Christian message to teens wouldn't be complete without an offensive rap?

"But the Side-Hug itself is slightly less offensive than the medium being used to promote it: An appropriated version of 'rap music' performed by a bunch of white youth pastors who think that by mixing in some gang-ish hand signals, tying on a bandana, and securing some fake bling with bring the youth to God."

Here's the link to the video: http://www.washingtoncitypaper.com/blogs/sexist/2009/11/23/the-christian-side-hug-front-hugs-be-too-sinful/

Don't they understand they're doing it all wrong? If they really want to market the Side-Hug, they first have to find out how not things to teenagers. So, without further ado, I present:

How Not to Market Ideas to Teenagers

Step 1: If Trying to Market to the Entire Teen Community, Use Terms like "Christian" or "Jesus"

When marketing an idea to the teen audience, it's a good idea to include phrases like "It's what Jesus wants you to do." or "Christian values." or "God." Because as we all know, every single teenager in America is Christian. There are no Jewish teens, or Muslim teens, or atheist or agnostic teens. Everyone knows that teens are the most religious age group there is! And teenagers don't try to find loopholes when told certain rules because they're all perfect little Christian angels.

Step 2: If the Idea in Question is Religious, Market it with an Offensive Rap Song

Every teen loves rap! Especially rap songs from pasty white-dudes who think wearing bandanas makes them "gangster." And teens especially love rap songs about hugging! That's all we can handle when it comes to music; happy lyrics with no suggestive dialogue. In fact, we flip-out if we hear just one swear-word in a song. That's why you never hear teens swearing.

Step 3: Call Something "Sinful"

Teens absolutely love rules. We always follow them at all costs and shun people who break them. We never question rules; it's against our beliefs to question anything. Trying to get us to follow a rule won't cause rebellion at all, as if we teens would ever rebel against anything...

Step 4: Promote a Stupid Idea

Teens blindly follow whatever idea they're told to follow, no questions asked. We especially love following stupid ideas. Teens don't make fun of stupid rules, or anything stupid for that matter. There's no chance that teens will ever make fun of something stupid in, say, a blog post. Or put something stupid on YouTube (as if we could handle either of those things in the first place).

And that's how you NOT market an idea to teenagers.

Top Ten Edition 1: Favorite "Family Guy" Characters

Welcome to the first edition of the top ten list. This week, since "Family Guy" premiers this Sunday, this week is my top ten favorite "Family Guy" characters. Let's start at number ten.

10. Seamus

Why He's Funny: For starters, his limbs are wood. The scene where he played to piano was interesting to say the least. He tries to be a comedian, which isn't going so well, since all his jokes are from a different time period.

Best Moment: Seamus is in a talent show as a comedian. He starts with a joke about how he had two Portugese helpers, which just turned him talking about how certain ethnic groups are bad at sailing.

9. Chris Griffin

Why He's Funny: Chris is an idiot. He's so stupid that he was expelled for being stupid. he says things like "I don't have any money so I'm going to have to pay for these magazines with my pooh." Plus, he has an evil monkey in his closet. How do you come up with these things? (Answer: weed)

Best Moment: Chris has a new "well-equipped" teacher and he can't pay attention. When he fails a test and the teacher asks him what he sees, he replies "Two Ds and an F."

8. Asian Reporter: Trisha Takanawa

Why She's Funny: It's never "We now go to Trisha Takanawa", it's always "We now go to Asian Reporter: Trisha Takanawa." But it's not just her race, it's the stories she covers. For example, on a story about flu season, she vomited into a toilet. On a story about a hurricane, she was hit by a flying car. On a story about flooding, she interviewed "Rides-A-Ten-Speed-Everywhere-Guy."

Best Moment: She did a segment about sex, so she decided to actually have sex in her segment.

7. Mayor Adam West

Why He's Funny: Mayor Adam West, played by Adam West, is probably the least competent (and stable) person I'd vote for. He's constantly enacting wierd ordinances, erecting statues (giggity) for the strangest people, and all around a total nutcase puts mayor Adam West at number 7.

Best Moment: When Mayor West looks tries to distract his protestors by jingling his keys, someone throws a brick at his face and his nose starts bleeding. Adan looks at the blook and says "Oh my god! I'm a tomato!"

6. Mort Goldman

Why He's Funny: Mort is the stereotypical Jewish pharmacist who is allergic to just about anything. Anytime somebody asks for something he doesn't like, he tells this really awkward story that makes you feel uncomfortable. Hilarious.

Best Moment: On career day, Mort is talking about being a pharmacist. He starts talking about how a lot of the student's parents visit there, like this one girl's dad came in for hemorrhoid cream because he had terrible, awful hemorrhoids. He said they were so bad he had to apply the cream with a sock in his car. The girl just stares in shock.

5. Captain Glenn Quagmire

Why He's Funny: C'mon! His character started the whole "Giggity" after anybody said anything that had unintentional sexual undertones! How is that not funny?!?

Best Moment: Glenn is about to depart from an airport via plane, since he's a pilot. As he's speaking to the passengers, he constantly says uhhhhhhhhhhhhh between phrases. But the best part was: "Flight will be a little delayed; we've got some rough head winds, giggity." Best. Giggity. Ever.

4. Lois Griffin

Why She's Funny: Lois seems like your stereotypical housewife. But underneath this seemily normal shell is, well, a skank. She has been known to party and get drunk, sell herself on the streeet, and smoke pot.

Best Moment: She gets stoned and thinks Chris is a hot fudge sundae. She licks him repeatedly, while Chris is crying.



3. Mr. Herbert

Why He's Funny: In reality pedophilles are never funny. In fact, they're ofter scary and creepy and haunt your dreams for years on end, like clowns. However, animated geriatric pedophilles are not real pedophilles, so it's not scary and creepy.

Best Moment: "Yes, I'd like to buy this teddy bear, this piece of string, this ruler, and this cardboard box (reveals trap to catch a child) Mmmmmmmmmmmm."

2. Peter Griffin

Why He's Funny: Leagally mentally handicapped, Peter participates in a wide range of activities, be it working in a brewery, becoming a pirate (yes, a pirate), or creating thousands of cut-away jokes.

Best Moment: The entire episode of "Petarded"

1. Stewie Griffin

Why He's Funny: Stewie is probably my favorite cartoon character of all time. Whether it's reference jokes, jokes about his hidden sexuality, or just being a douche, Stewie delivers, period. That's why he's number one.

Best Moment: He talks about how a deer bit his ear off and he's pissed. And snarky. "Oh don't worry about going to the hospital, I'll just wear this Mr. Potato Head ear piece."

HONORABLE MENTIONS

Cleveland Brown - Because Seth MacFarlane said that Cleveland would no longer be on Family Guy for the eighth season (because of "The Cleveland Show"), he was not included. Had he been, he would have been number nine.

Fat Librarian - Because she only appeared twice, she was not included.

Meg Griffin - Maybe if the creators developed her character a little more, but until then, no.

Joe Swanson - He was a close call. It was hard to pick, but he does deserve to be an honorable mention.

Ollie Williams - He is an honorable mention because his only jokes are him saying things and yelling really fast.

Well, that's it for this edition. Next week: My Top Ten Favorite Films

Hey KISS FM, There's more Music out There than "I Gotta Feeling" and "Evacuate the Dancefloor"!!!

Last weekend I was cleaning my room so I decided to turn on my radio. I set it to KISS FM, since I can't think of any other station that, on a regular basis, plays music made after 2000.
So I'm cleaning, and after a few rap songs they play "I Gotta Feeling", by the Black Eyed Peas. It's a great song, in my opinion, but the lyrics are probably the stupidest lyrics I've ever heard.
"Fill up my cup (drank!). Mazeltov (l'heim). Look ar her dancin' (move it, move it), just take it...off! Let's paint the town (paint the town!)! We'll shut it down (shut it down)! Let's burn the roof (WOOOOOOO!)! And then we'll do it again!"
Seriously? That was number 1 for weeks and weeks and weeks?!? The rythym of the song is the only thing that's keeping it popular. You have to have one damn good beat to make a song like that!
Anyway, after that, I hear Taylor Swift's "Crappy Love Song that's Desperately Trying to be Country". This is why I wish that Tivo could be used on the radio. After the song was over, I hear some more rap, some more pop, then, once again, "I Gotta Feeling". Twice in half-an-hour. Wow.
After hearing "I Gotta Feeling", I hear Lady Gaga. She's awesome. But my dad is very correct when he says that her songs are like those that you on "Deep House Dish," a popular skit on "Saturday Night Live". Here's an excerpt from her popular song "Poker Face."
"I wanna hold em like they do in Texas plays. Fold em let em hit me raise a baby stay with me, I love it. Luck and intuition play the cards with spades to start. And after he's been hooked I'll play the one that's on his heart."
Wow. Just. Wow.
Boy KISS is delivering today. What do they have next? Why, Club Kiss, of course!
Club Kiss is basically pop songs remixed together to sound like nightclubs. The music generally contains at least 2-5 songs at a time. Sometimes they play one song with the bass and rythym of another. It's really hit or miss and more often than not it's miss. Other times they play two songs at a time in alternating patterns, or interspersed in another song with the the background noise of another song and the beat of yet another song. Again, hit or miss.
And guess what! "I Gotta Feeling" is being played again! Only this time it has the background to Mary J. Blige's new song, or whoever performs that song on that AT&T commercial, the one with the woman who changes outfits about 10 times. This background music would appear many more times througout the night.
Next, Lady Gaga music with the background of some rap song. Then, and I'm not kidding, they played "I Gotta Feeling" again.
That's when I realized something; KISS FM always does this. Everytime there's a song that is SUPER popular, they play it again and again and again and again and-well you get the idea. When Rihanna's "Disturbia" was insanely popular, they played it twice in one half-an-hour. When Katy Perry's "Hot N' Cold" or "I Kissed a Girl" was insanely popular, they played that a lot too. Ne-Yo's "Closer" was popular, it seemed like it was played every other song. They do this again and again until you're practically sick of it! Well, actually, you are sick of it. And now they are doing the same thing with "I Gotta Feeling". And no doubt, they're going to do it again with another song.
However, I was glad that they failed to play a single Miley Cyrus song. Thank god.

WTF? Why is the Marching Band Dancing to Thriller?!?

A few days ago I went to my school's football game against our rivals. My dad drops me and my friends off at the rival school's parking lot and we make our way to the football field. We pay for our tickets and enter the field. Some girls ask us if we want a program, and it only costs $1. Yeah right, like I'm going to spend a dollar for that. What exactly am I supposed to look forward to for something like this? The half-time show? All it is is cheerleaders and the marching-band. What else could there possibly be that would require a program?!?
Since this is a rival game, we have to sit on the opposite side of the field, or the side with less seats and farther away from the restrooms. But that's okay, because there's some people with cardboard signs behind me that keep accidentally hitting me in the back with them. I'm having a great time so far.
So the game starts. The first quarter was brutal; our rival school made two touchdowns, and we made none.
Now it's the half-time show. Me and my friends are sitting so far away from the speekers we can't hear the music play. But now the band comes on, starting with some song by this old dead dude. Then they play "Billie Jean" by Michael Jackson as a tribute to him. As if that weren't funny enough, then they play "Thriller" and start dancing to it. This was the first time I was glad I was facing the back-side of the band. Now I don't hate band, in fact, some of my friends are in band. It's just, seriously?!? Michael Jackson? It was just a little too wierd for me.
Now it's the final half, and we manage to get a touch-down, but so do the rival team. I go get some hot chocolate, because it's surprisingly cold out for an August night. When I get back, the game ended with a score of 26-7. My friends and I walk across the street to where my dad would pick us up. And that's the game.

Why does My Brother have to Watch George Lopez Every Night?

The past few days have been pretty monotonous (except for auditions). I wake up at 6:45. I go to school. I go home. I work on my homework until about 9 or 10 pm, so any free time I have is precious. Ever since school started, by the time I finish my homework, it's either too late to hang out with friends or I have to go to swim practice (well, that's what it'll be like next week). So I use most of my free time on the weekdays to catch up on tv. So, when I finally finish my homework, I go upstairs to the big tv, where my brother is watching George Lopez. And since he was here first, I'm not allowed to change the channel. How fun. I don't mind watching it once or twice, but he watches it EVERY NIGHT! What is up with that?!?

So now I could either a) watch George Lopez with my brother or b) watch tv somewhere else. Which option do you think I'll take? Now normally, this wouldn't be a problem. But lately, I find it irritating that it seems like he always gets the best tv in the house. And now he's just using this tv to watch the Nick @ Nite lineup. And he's been messing with my recordings. He keeps cacelling recordings of 30 Rock, which I'm really annoyed with. Ands he almost cancelled a new episode of Wipeout to watch a rerun of Malcolm in the Middle, which doesn't even air anymore.

Sure, I could tell my mom how annoyed I am that my brother keeps cancelling my recordings to watch other shows, but she'll just tell me to record it downstairs. Sounds like good advice but it's really not. You see, DVRs have limited memory. I'm constantly deleting recordings to make room for new ones. Most of them are the exercise shows my mom records but never watches. Seriously, if you haven't even watched one of those episodes after a year of recording them, why bother?

Basically, when it comes to tv time, I'm pretty much screwed. There are a lot of good shows that I could be watching during my down time (which isn't much, believe me), and I have to waste them watching reruns of Urkel. I swear to god, if I hear one more "Did I do that?!?" in an annoying nasal voice, I'm gonna throw that tv out the window.

My Mom is Yelling at the Dogs Again

Maybe it's a sign of senility, or maybe she thinks they actually understand what she's saying. Whatever the reason, mom is yelling at the dogs-again. I'm not against yelling at dogs when they've done something wrong. In fact, it helps them learn. But the way mom yells at them, you'd think they were going to respond back.

When the dogs do something like, I don't know, eat the sandwich off of my plate, which they've done many times, I would just say No! Bad Dog! But my mom, she would yell No! You bad dog! How could you do this?!? You don't do that! You don't do that! You don't steal sandwiches off of our plates! or something along that context. It's almost as if she thinks they understand what those words mean, when in fact they only understand the tone. They could pee in the house and you could yell the Emancipation Proclaimation at them, and in two weeks, they'd be housebroken. Anyway, I'm not saying it's a bad thing, but seriously, they can't understand you. After all, when you take the time to make sure you use the correct form of have when speaking to a dog, you're just wasting breathe.